Thursday, May 12, 2011

I am not broken

 Just a warning...this blog is not about soap.

A few years, I was told I would probably never have kids.  I won't go into the details but I had a few things stacked against me already and a final nail in the coffin of probability came out of nowhere and blindsided me.  At the time, all I cared about was being ok and getting through a surgery I didn't want to have.  But my doctor was kind enough to let me know that if some super sperm made it through stacked items 1-3 and I did miraculously get pregnant, my body would probably reject the pregnancy.

And you know what?  I didn't care. 

I was never a little girl who wanted a family.  I wanted to be a helicopter pilot, or President, or a Broadway star, or Secretary-General of UN.  I didn't want to be a mommy.  My mother later told me that she was the same.  She never really wanted children.  But she loved my father and he did want kids.  So she had us.  I think it goes without saying that I am glad she did. 

So, imagine my surprise when speaking to a  potential love interest (PLI)a few weeks back and the following conversation occurred while talking about the toll my job takes on my life:

PLI: I am not too interested in a family where my kids are raised by a nanny
Clean Diva: Oh, I don't want kids
PLI: hmmm...yeah, that would a pretty big deal breaker for me.  Well, I guess that is that...

So, I went on to apologize and explain that I thought I had made the fact clear before and that I am just not wired the way a mom should be.  And then PLI said:

"Well, I suppose if filling that gap with career advancement in retail fares better for you then more power to you."

The silence was deafening.  I wasn't sure which part of the statement was most offensive.  1.  That PLI had NO IDEA what I do although I had explained it in pretty great detail or 2.  The assumption that there is a gap left by not having kids.

I won't address the first because it is mostly irrelevant but I will say this (not to offend anyone, really) but


Some of the most amazing women I know are mothers.  And even more of the amazing women I know will be mothers someday.  And I am so proud of them.  I have a god son who ALWAYS brings a smile to my face and I think Kingston Rossdale is beyond adorable.  But I don't want children.  There, I said it.  I don't WANT them. 

And I feel no gap, no ticking clock, no nesting desire, no lingering pangs for the smell of a clean baby.  None. Of. It.  I feel free and independent and thankful that I live in a time and place where I can make the decision to stay childless. 

And I am putting this out here, on the blog, today because I KNOW there are other women like me.  Women who realize that the first time they got passed over for a promotion because they had to leave daily at 4:30pm to pick up a kid from day care (and it happens...don't kid yourselves), they would resent that child for the remainder of its life.  Women who know that some of you are going to say that it changes when you create life and that we are going to roll our eyes on the inside because we know ourselves and we know that's not true for us.  Women who know they forget to feed themselves and could never support another person.  And yes, even women who just don't like kids...don't understand them and don't like to be around them.

I just want to acknowledge you today.  Because, just as I got unceremoniously dumped for feeling the way I do, I am aware that it happens to you too.  I know that, just like me, you have steadfastly held your ground and watched while people you love with all of your being leave you, marry someone and start a family of adorable little mini-me's.  And I know it hurts. 

And I want to remind all of my child bearing friends and readers that the next time you are tempted to feel sorry for someone because they don't know the domestic bliss you feel, save the sympathy for orphans in Uganda.  We're ok.  Really, we are.  And the truth is, we sometimes drink champagne in your honor at 2am before going to bed because we know you are asleep, exhausted from a day of child chasing, and have forgotten what champagne even tastes like.

You are not broken because you have kids and I'm not broken because I don't.  There is no gap.  There is no hole.  I am not trying to fill anything except the sales funnel at work (but that's another story for another day). 

But to you, former PLI...I wish you the best.  I hope you find what you seek.

But I also hope your future children have horrific motion sickness and projectile vomit on you each time you take a car trip.

1 comment:

  1. AMEN!!!!!!! I could not have said it better myself.

    While I can understand that the lack of desire for children is a deal breaker for some PLIs, I think that the way this one handled the situation proved that he is CERTAINLY not mature enough yet to be responsible for raising another human being.

    I also greatly appreciate your voicing that, at least for some of us, creating life won't change squat - heck, I'm grateful that some of us know ourselves well enough to understand that and not give in to a PLI or LI who wants something different. I felt so strongly about not wanting children that any PLI who did was immediately disqualified as a PLI.

    You know as well as anyone how I feel about this because we have discussed it many times over the years, but I wanted to comment and show my support for the fact that WE ARE NOT BROKEN!